It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Randomize
