oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
