I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Little spoons don't ask big questions
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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