Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
