You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
