just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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