If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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