have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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