There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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