someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
