Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
