Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
