I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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