This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
