Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Randomize
