my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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