i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
