omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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