Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
