Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
