Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
