Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
