I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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