If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Randomize
