im drinking this country out of the recession.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
