no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Even the bartender felt bad for me
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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