so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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