we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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