Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
