man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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