New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
