I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
