My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
