you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
