I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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