well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
