Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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