Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
