I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
