Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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