y did u give ur computer a hand job?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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