got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
