he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
