my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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