I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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