Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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