There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize