If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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