I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
