I don't usually arrange sex via text message
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
