thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
