Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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